A Very British Approach To Death

In August last year, the Co-op released a report titled Making peace with death, which documented the British attitude towards mortality and bereavement, as well as the manner in which British people prepare and plan for death. With over 30,000 participants of all ages, it was the first time that a comprehensive report on death had ever been conducted in this country. The findings were shocking, confirming the overwhelming taboo about death that currently exists in this society and highlighting the urgent need for this taboo to be addressed and demolished.

Revelations

The report made two interesting revelations. Firstly, it found that almost 91% of  the British public have previously reflected on their own mortality, with 35% of them thinking about it at least once a week. Secondly, it concluded that almost 18 million British people are uncomfortable talking openly about death.

Whilst a substantial percentage of us ponder our own death on a regular basis, why is it that we feel unable to openly share our thoughts and concerns  with those closest to us? Why is it that the one eventuality that each and everyone of us will inevitably experience is a neglected part of everyday conversation, when really it should be the very thing that bonds us?

Stiff upper lip

It is difficult to pinpoint the exact root of this attitude to death as there are many factors at play here, the most prominent one being the stereotypical attribute of British people to remain stoic and emotionless in the face of adversity. Unfortunately, despite the melting pot of cultures and religions in Britain (particularly, London), this rather backwards behavioural pattern remains heavily entrenched in our society. We praise the bereaved for their strength and courage in ‘staying strong’ or ‘holding it together’, rather than allowing them the space to express and release their pain. We avoid mentioning the name of people who have died, for fear of triggering an emotional response in those that mourn them. We treat public displays of emotion with sympathy and pity, instead of admiration and awe.

It is more possible to find a more open and expressive attitude to grief in cultures and communities outside Britain. In China, for example, mourners are encouraged to release their grief by outwardly sobbing and wailing. Some ceremonies even involve the hiring of professional wailers to ensure that young people are not embarrassed or fearful of public displays of emotion. It is fascinating how the Chinese understand the benefits of releasing one’s pain and heartache, identifying this process as a ritualistic form of therapy.

Changing attitudes

This report also found that the average British person first suffers a bereavement of someone close to them aged 20 and first starts to contemplate death aged 26. This is surprising, as whilst as a society we are generally living longer and there are more resources available to us to n prolong life, in reality we are still facing loss and contemplating death at a very young age.

Western society is made up of overachievers and ambitious individuals, who consider public emotion to be a form of weakness or a set back. In childhood, we are taught that in order to be successful in our careers and our lives, we must leave our personal struggles at home. However, by inhibiting open conversation, we give ourselves limited space to feel and express hardship and suffering.

This suppression of grief and pain is dangerous. To ‘survive’ in the competitive and superficial world we have built, we force ourselves to bottle up our emotions, which can manifest later on in life in the form of anxiety and depression.

How do we change our society’s attitude to death and loss? How do we encourage younger generations that showing emotion can only be a positive thing.

We must learn from other cultures that see open expression as a necessary and valid part of life.  We must teach our children that emotional intelligence is not a sign of weakness or vulnerability and that sharing personal thoughts and experiences, no matter how painful, is the most valuable way of making genuine connections with those around them.

Meera Elbay, Founder

Your New Normal